On being strong...
And if you're not strong right now, why it's so essential to become strong.
The irony of life, is that it's so easy to re-create patterns. For me, being raised in a disruptive home I promised myself over and over, I would never live that life once I moved out. I would never be the woman like my mother who allowed their spouse to have affair after affair, to be physically and emotionally abusive, etc. And yet, where did I find myself - and more then that, where did I find myself and not leave? I was weak, lost, confused, and felt so helpless. Every year I stayed, I found myself more lost, more confused, and feeling even more helpless. I didn't want to be - I dreamed of one day finding the confidence and strength to say 'enough' and leave. (And though you my mother says in the end she is grateful she stayed with my father till his death, I still look back and have similar dreams of her personal strength and courage; of her finding her confidence enough to leave).
I've always been one to make decisions - feeling devoutly passionate about them and knowing - and following through. Drop out? Check & Done! Getting baptized? Check & Done! Moving to Utah? Check & Done! Go to college? Check & Done! Get married, have babies, graduate university with a killer GPA, whilst working full time and having 2 young children: all check & done! And in many ways I have thrived because I am able to make such strong passionate decisions and follow through on them. But when you've lost all your strength, when I lost all my strength, I began to realize that I was falling to pieces in the areas that I saw myself most thriving in, in the past. I don't know what kind of coffee I want, just order for me. I don't know what book I want to read, just tell me a good one. I don't know what to do with my life, just tell me. Minor or Major, I had somehow lost the ability to even make decisions because my strength and belief in myself had been depleted.
What I'm circumlocutorily getting at, is that amidst every trial and joy in life; the good and the bad - it's so essentially important to not lose our own strength. To not forget that while we can lean and trust others, we must be able to bear our own strength and stand on our own two feet. Because re-learning that truth is agonizingly hard. But with our own two hands, we are able to do it.
The irony of life, is that it's so easy to re-create patterns. For me, being raised in a disruptive home I promised myself over and over, I would never live that life once I moved out. I would never be the woman like my mother who allowed their spouse to have affair after affair, to be physically and emotionally abusive, etc. And yet, where did I find myself - and more then that, where did I find myself and not leave? I was weak, lost, confused, and felt so helpless. Every year I stayed, I found myself more lost, more confused, and feeling even more helpless. I didn't want to be - I dreamed of one day finding the confidence and strength to say 'enough' and leave. (And though you my mother says in the end she is grateful she stayed with my father till his death, I still look back and have similar dreams of her personal strength and courage; of her finding her confidence enough to leave).
I've always been one to make decisions - feeling devoutly passionate about them and knowing - and following through. Drop out? Check & Done! Getting baptized? Check & Done! Moving to Utah? Check & Done! Go to college? Check & Done! Get married, have babies, graduate university with a killer GPA, whilst working full time and having 2 young children: all check & done! And in many ways I have thrived because I am able to make such strong passionate decisions and follow through on them. But when you've lost all your strength, when I lost all my strength, I began to realize that I was falling to pieces in the areas that I saw myself most thriving in, in the past. I don't know what kind of coffee I want, just order for me. I don't know what book I want to read, just tell me a good one. I don't know what to do with my life, just tell me. Minor or Major, I had somehow lost the ability to even make decisions because my strength and belief in myself had been depleted.
What I'm circumlocutorily getting at, is that amidst every trial and joy in life; the good and the bad - it's so essentially important to not lose our own strength. To not forget that while we can lean and trust others, we must be able to bear our own strength and stand on our own two feet. Because re-learning that truth is agonizingly hard. But with our own two hands, we are able to do it.
1 comments:
Blair my friend, thank you for your sweet and kind words on my blog. They mean so much to me. xoxo
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